Take the Vow to Get Old Without Getting Gross

I suppose this is just fantasy, too, but we’ve got to at least TRY! I mean, isn’t taking care of elderly and infirm relatives teaching you anything? C’mon, people! Give a thought to your family and caregivers! Now, then. Repeat after me:

1. I will NOT refuse to have my hair washed even though I’ve gotten along fine for two months and become eco-system for fleas, lice, ticks, ants, and spiders.

2. I WILL choose to be cheerful. Raging against everyone and everything because I’ve gotten old won’t change anything. Plus it wastes precious energy.

3. I WILL accept that other things exist in the world beside my stupid aches and pains. In fact, listening to the news and/or taking an interest in others can actually distract me from them.

4. I will NOT refuse basic hygiene even though I may have figured out by then why crabby old folks hate being clean.

5. I WILL change my hearing aid batteries regularly.

6. I will NOT regale all and sundry with my bowel activities. Ditto the arthritis. And my latest surgery.

7. I will NOT make every statement a complaint.

8. I WILL thank people for their efforts, even if I must (politely) pass on the Cajun crawfish with fire sauce they have prepared for me.

9. I WILL acknowledge that certain aches and limitations come with age and stop running to doctors and taking a gazillion pills trying to be “normal” again. Notice that half the meds are to correct the side effects of the other half.

10. I WILL cultivate a pleasant disposition so it’ll be habit by the time my mind goes. I WILL be like my 102-year-old Aunt Vivian who’s a joy to be around even though she constantly repeats herself.

11. Lastly, I will NOT keep griping that I don’t care about anything and just want to die. An exasperated great-grandkid just might ruin his life accommodating me!

Can’t win for losing!

You can’t do something nice for someone without making someone else miserable. This July 4th I’m caught between cooking out with my husband or giving some long overdue relief to his sister who’s taking care of two Very Old Ladies. While we were off on a luxurious cruise, followed immediately by my trip to New York City for the Book Expo, his sister was seeing to his 94-year-old mother, his aunt who will turn 102 later this month, working the Census, running her pet-sitting business, and suffering from horrendous headaches.

But here’s the thing: my husband and his sister don’t get along. At all. And Husband has little patience with Very Old Ladies. So if I’m to offer any help, I must leave him alone on a holiday.

At first he was not happy about it. He griped about me making deviled eggs for the occasion to the extent that I didn’t even mention key lime pie. I’ll pick one up on my way down. He thinks I’m going to a party, not trying to entertain two deaf women, one with little knowledge or interest in the world, the other with absolutely no short-term memory.

Now he’s reconsidered and is being very supportive. He picked up some links and hamburger and will have grills for me to clean when I get back. And eventually I will have a party. After we take Mom home and Aunt Vivian back to Concord Manor, there will be margaritas and fireworks on the beach. Since I’m not much of a drinker, I’ll stay the night and we’ll take our hangovers to IHOP in the morning. Husband hates IHOP, so that’s another plus to the outing. I’ll go happy and leave guilt-ridden.

Enough venting. Hope everyone has a great Fourth!